It has been a month since my "Bitterness" intervention. I feel that it has been long enough that I can now share about it.
Right after Christmas my family all ganged up on me on the ride home from church. They were all in agreement. I was .....Bitter! Well except for my little guy who said that he thought mommy was sweet and that everyone else was being mean.That's my baby...thank you!
Well the truth is, yes, they were right. After many tears and some introspection I had to turn to the Word and ask the Lord. "Lord, how have I shown bitterness to my family?" Ouch!
I'm the fun mom. I'm the loving mom. I'm the mom that teaches my boys joy and thankfulness, right? Right?
The conclusion. Yes, I feel like I would like to go have some fun. I feel like I am hugging and loving my family. I feel thankful. But what is my family seeing on the outside through my actions.
My boys' scout Court of Honor program included this quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson- "What you DO speaks so loud that I cannot hear you speak."
So I am admitting today that my actions were not matching the lessons I was teaching my kiddos. See if any of these hit home with you:
1. I feel that I am thankful for my home and my family. Outside I am constantly griping that I have no help and the house is a wreck.
2. I feel grateful for the man the Lord has blessed me with and proud of the boys. Outwardly they hear me complaining to friends on the phone.
3. I feel that I am encouraging and using my words to build up. Outwardly my words are quick and sharp.
4. I feel that I am privileged and blessed to be a stay at home mom and homeschool my kiddos. Outside I am constantly anxious and tired.
5. Inwardly I feel happy and love the Lord. Outwardly I seem irritated and angry.
6. Inside I want to serve and help. Outside I am annoyed and put out.
7. I feel patient and caring. Actually I am quick tempered and self focused.
8. I feel appreciative and gracious. I actually complain and am judgmental.
So when I look at my behavior on the outside I feel deeply ashamed and have an immense desire to repent. I want what I think I'm feeling on the inside to become my actions. How terrible would it be for my boys to grow up and never experience the mom I "think" I am. I too need to realize that I cannot be that mom on my own.
So, to the Word! My mind quickly turns to the "put on" and "put off" commands: (Colossians 3:5-17)
5 Put to death therefore what is earthly in you:sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. 6 On account of these the wrath of God is coming. 7 In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. 8 But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. 9 Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. 11 Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is all, and in all. 12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Did you read 12 thru 17? Ouch again! That is what a Christian mom should look like.
Ok, now I have to dig deeper. See the truth ladies is that our outward appearance is linked to our inward thoughts. I may think I "feel" all those things I wrote above. But in actuality if I really abide in those thoughts, I am lodging and dwelling in the love of Christ. It will show on the outside. I am getting pretty bruised here.
So where is my heart? Let's draw back the curtain and take a look inside shall we? It is tough for this control freakish girl to realize that I cannot be in charge of everything in my life. I want to do the "right" thing. I want to do my best. I am a law follower. I want my life to look beautiful on the outside. My head knowledge is right on. Listen to what Jesus says to us prideful folks:
Matthew 23---"Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples: 2 "The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat. 3 So you must obey them and do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach.... 27 "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. 28 In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness."
So to sum up what I have learned so far. I see myself being the "right" wife and mom. I "feel" that I am working and working in the right direction. But truth be told, at home, I am not living it daily in my actions... Peel the onion some more... my heart is not there either.
So where am I, and how do I get back on track? Track is exactly the ticket. Hebrews 12:1 says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us."
What race?... Not homemaking... Living for Christ and His kingdom, Beloved.
I don't know about you but exercise and I do not seem to get along. I have tried to pick up jogging several times. It never seems to stick. Why? Pure laziness my friend. Pure laziness. I often feel discouraged that my spiritual race seems to be in the same shape. When life gets "tough", serving gets tiresome, and my work doesn't show results I want to just stop the race, and park it under a tree. "It" meaning my rear, you know?
Or even worse, are those time I turn around and begin running in the other direction. Endurance my friend is not to be taken lightly, and it is not to be conquered on our own.
Hebrews 12:2 continues, " 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."
He's at the finish line spurring us on. If only I could keep focusing on THAT face, most marvelous- wonderful face. I often consider that I have nothing to boast in. Jesus always made the right choice, always had the right attitude, always said the right thing, and never missed an opportunity to do the right action or service. And all while everyone around Him questioned His motives, cursed Him, condemned Him, betrayed Him, and denied Him..even unto death. What for? The JOY that was set before Him.
What does that tell me? I am in desperate need of a savior. Jesus is that righteous one.
Let's continue with my original train of thought. I started on the topic of bitterness. My heart feels overwhelmed with the tasks that are before me. I wimp out. I begin to focus on me. "Why is nobody helping me?" "Why am I so tired?" "I need a break?" I never seem to catch up!" that then leads deeper to --- "I want to criticize, judge, complain, get angry"---"Maybe I should take a break from the work?"
Starts out:
A little rest...a break let's say...
Then self focus..."What about me?"
Loss of joy...
Giving Up...
Wimping out...
Tuning out and turning toward idolatry---adding "functional Saviors" (I heard this term from our previous associate pastor's blog Pew to Practice ) -- whether it be food, movies, books, hobbies, Facebook. Anything that helps you get away from the work. The world uses drugs, alcohol, etc. There was a song that was popular in my college day, "Your own personal Jesus". Something that helps you "cope".
Protesting...
Critical spirit...
Complaining...
Bitterness that you were ever given the task in the first place.
My pride is really offended by all the things I've said here. Pride in the image of who I think I am and want to be, in comparison to the huge difference in the actions that are shown to those that are closest. I have been sitting on the "judgement seat" of everyone else and not even considering my own guilt.
When my husband and I attended marriage counseling with our pastor a few years back now we received a "Log List" written by Wayne Mack. You may view it by clicking on "Log List." This is a look at the "log" that is in your own eye before you try to take the speck out of your brother's eye. Working through the list helped me to realize that I am not perfect, and how am I to compare others to perfection?
In example: I recently adamantly commanded my older son that his chores were sorely behind, all the while my camped out pile of laundry, staring from the couch, bore holes right through me.
It's so easy to focus on self and the fault of others. It is our human nature. I seem to kick myself for reverting back there so quickly. I know better. I am a new creature in Christ. But still the old ways seem sweet when the road gets bumpy. I'm the ostrich that sticks her head in the sand. Frightened, weak, and unable to measure up. Feeling sorry for myself that I cannot complete the work set before me in my own strength... I hide.
I resemble the servant in the parable of the talents that was only given one talent. Feeling the weight of my family responsibilities; I take my "talent", sit on it and pout. Remember that there were three servants and the master each gave them talents (money). You can read the story from the Bible by clicking here. One was given 5, one 2, and one 1. All the other faithful servants took the talents and returned with double portion of what they were given. They were praised and rewarded for the return of their labor. The servant with the one took it and hid it. He came back to the master with what he had been given. Listen to what Jesus said happened to that dude:
Matt. 25:24-28
He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, 'Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, 25 so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.' 26 But his master answered him, 'You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? 27 Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest. 28 So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents.
I got to go find my talent, sisters, and pull it out of the back yard. That talent needs to get back to work. No wonder my work isn't increasing and growing. No wonder God is not blessing. I am like Israel in the desert.They were released from slavery led to a new land flowing with milk and honey. They saw miracles we can only imagine...Still they grumbled and were complete cowards when it came to following the Lord into the Promised Land. Only focusing on the "poor me-s." They did not expect that God would enable them to complete what He said He would do. Too bad they did not long for and rely on Him.
Psalm 63:1 O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
Is there a quick fix here sisters? Boy don't I wish there was an energy drink for this. A gym to exercise and get in shape for my attitude towards "running the race." My attitude muscles are majorly flabby. And, attitude does matter... and leads to Christlike actions. The good news--- there is a place to go for help and He is really able to help us accomplish the goals he put before us. Much more able than that Ben and Jerry's or even the constant nagging I put out there. We must completely and utterly rely on Him alone. Continue to read and it will lead you to song below---
For your encouragement:
Psalm 1:1-2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.
Mark 12:30 And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.'
John 14:16And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever,
John 14:26 But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.
John 15:5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.
Matthew 11:29 -30 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you.
Galations 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Isaiah 40:31 but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
So has my "Bitterness" intervention led to a total rehab? I can only take one day at a time. :) Attitudes of --Peace, Joy, Gratitude, Appreciation, Servitude...Actions-- showing how amazing my Lord is for the precious gifts he has given me. Without my beautiful family there would be no messiness. God bless that beloved mess!!! Today I better choose to start running... and not just a wimpy half-hearted run...nor a wondering why someone else can't do the running while I sit in the shade with a glass of lemonade...but instead, "laying aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely" (bitterness of spirit)... And as Paul says run as to, "win the race." Not in my own strength, but fully relying on Him... alone.
Ephesians 4:31-32- Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Proverbs 14:10 The heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger shares its joy.
I highly recommend this book that I recently picked back up to read.
